Rape, Parenthood and Loneliness...(or why everyone should be a feminist)

Last week I attended a local 'Reclaim the Night March' and made a poster detailing some of the claims made about who/what is to blame for rape (e.g. alcohol, clothing...women generally) with the point made that it's not any of these things, rapists are obviously to blame. I got into a conversation about this poster after the march and the point was made that rape was not a feminist issue, men were also raped and that, more broadly, feminism was basically pointless. I'm no idiot. I know that rape victims can be men as well as women. But concerning rape there's two issues which, for me, demonstrate why we need feminism:

1) the disproportionate amount of women being raped or sexually assaulted suggests that something about societal views towards women needs to change. For example, according to the ONS (2009/10, 2010/11 and 2011/12 average) the percentage of males who were a victim once or more of a sexual offence in the last 12 months stood at 0.4% and for females 2.5%. Statistics such as these lend weight to arguments which suggest that we increasingly live in a rape culture, a society in which the sexualisation of women dominates.

2) the under-reporting of rape when men are the victim (demonstrated by the difference when comparing police-reported statistics and victim surveys). Again, we might trace this issue to the issue more broadly of societal attitudes concerning women/men. It could be that men do not wish to come forward due to societal views concerning how men should be/be seen, therefore suggesting societal views need to change.

So, feminism, for me, is the fight against gender inequality, which men can also be disadvantaged by. I thought of this again when listening to Radio 4's Women's Hour yesterday when they were discussing motherhood and loneliness. Someone raised the point about fathers often being side-lined in such discussions because women are still predominantly the primary carer of children in the first year or so. Again, we have evidence of why feminism continues to be relevant. We live in a society where, despite some acceptance of alternatives, women are generally still socialised and stereotyped into the position of the primary care giver (regardless of whether they work or not). But this may in turn impact on the experiences of men who are the primary carer. What we need then is a move away from this gendering of roles which is where feminism becomes important.

Finding Feminist Undertones in Children's Books no.1/2

Our now 20 month old has fully discovered books and loves us reading them to her. There are ones requested time and time again - currently The Gruffalo and The Gruffalo's Child. And as ever I like to read a little too much between the lines. The Gruffalo's Child, for example, could be seen as a positive example in challenging traditional gender stereotypes. We have the gruffalo who we now discover is a dad and, what's more, a single dad at that. There's our first gender stereotype challenged. Next is the gruffalo's child who goes out alone into the wild on the search for the 'big bad mouse' (apologies for the plot spoiler...) - this child (who is described as 'brave') is the gruffalo's daughter. Take that gender stereotyping of boys as brave and fearless! On an equally pleasing note was an extract from a Peppa Pig book in which someone makes a comment about women not being very good at archery - which Mummy Pig challenges and proves wrong. There is some good in Peppa Pig after all...

Damn those babyccino-swilling hordes! - In defence of children (and parents?)

A few days ago I was having a quick browse in a women's clothes shop when I heard a child having a full blown meltdown. Looking across the store I could see a woman with a boy, perhaps four years old or so, in a stroller and by the looks of things he wasn't too chuffed with the new season selections. Usually in situations like this I'll make a comment out loud to my little one to remind that that was her a few days/hours/minutes/who are we kidding even seconds ago (in fact, on this occasion the only reason she'd allowed me to step foot in this store was due to a bag of mini rice cakes being produced). I think I do so in order to a) make light of what for me at the time probably caused me to stress a bit and b) perhaps let the other mum overhear so on the off chance they too were stressing on the inside it might make them feel a bit better. An older woman and man walked by whilst said boy was still doing his best exorcist impression and the woman took it upon herself to make just loud enough comments about how the mum "didn't seem too bothered". She continued this train of thought out loud even once they'd left the store and walking behind me I could hear her repeating this over and over to the man as if the mum's no fucks given approach was wrong. Maybe the mum was meant to have exited the shop the minute her kid starting throwing a wobbly? Heck, she maybe should of just pre-empted the many tantrums which would ensue on a trip to town and just stayed at home. Because, in all honesty, what are your options when your kid is being (quite frankly) a little shit? Then today it was my turn for a public showdown. I went to grab some lunch for myself and the little 'un (not to mention some much needed coffee...for me) and decided to 'eat in'. Probably the minute I uttered those words Jekyll in her pram was brewing for her Hyde delivery. Cue tantrum getting into the highchair. Tantrum being in the highchair. Tantrum being on my lap. Tantrum being back in her pram. Tantrum because she wanted food. Tantrum because she then didn't want food (the food got launched). Tantrum because she wanted the bit of food on the floor. Tantrum because she wanted some juice. You get the idea. And what could I do? Not much apart from shoving the food into my face as fast as humanly possible and downing my coffee to make a hasty exit as I could feel the glares from behind laptops and my body temperature had rose to the point of feeling the need for fresh air. And then, home this evening, I read this by Julie Bindel. Yes Julie, children can be annoying. That can be the case even for those of us who have children ourselves but lets not assume parents generally 'let' their children act like this - sometimes, no matter what you do, that kid is gonna do a hissy and maybe you just grin and bear it cause you've got shit to do! And the assumption of areas or such which are 'child-free' tends to be that all children are unbearably loud and misbehaved. Well, many members of the public are also unbearably loud and misbehaved - can I get a separate train coach from them also? Children are children after all. This aside, I think the most valuable comment someone made on this piece was as follows:

I'm not sure people understand that what you're basically saying is "no mothers of young children" in public spaces. Julie, who is supposed to be a feminist, fails to realise is that there are many, many spaces we already can't access. Important, adult spaces like political meetings or reading groups because of a lack of childcare/creche/child friendliness. If you make society less child friendly you make it less woman friendly as a result - Laura Beattie.

Definitely food for thought.

feed them any/everywhere // extended breastfeeding

I quite like the challenge of seeing how many different places/situations I can breastfeed*. So much so I did at one point create a poster listing a variety of places to tick off when done. If my primary reason for this is that because if my baby is hungry then she's eating regardless of where I am as that's my priority, then my desire to contribute to the #normalizebreastfeeding movement is the second. Whilst I was never particularly bothered about breastfeeding in public after the first few fumbling weeks, I now however catch myself wondering what other mums might be thinking - not because I am breastfeeding my baby, but because I have continued to breastfeed beyond six months. It's disappointing to read that the UK is the world's worst when it comes to breastfeeding and the knowledge that if we make it to 12 months I might be in the 0.5% of women who are still breastfeeding does little to ease such thoughts. Islay will be nine months in a week and it is my intention to continue breastfeeding her for as long as it works for us both, mainly her. In all honesty, I'm pretty fucking chuffed that not only did we make it past the first six weeks but that my body is actually still managing to sustain her beyond six months and continuing to produce enough milk. I've had comments along the lines of 'you might as well just switch entirely to formula now' as if there's a time limit on breastfeeding. Perhaps the nutritional upper-hand breastmilk has over formula might even out after the first six months but there's all the other benefits to consider as well. First of all, I enjoy cuddling up with my girl for her feed, it's time we have to share something special and as long as she seems happy with that I'm not going to voluntarily give that up! Secondly the pure convenience. I don't have to think about bottles when I go out or making up formula...plus why pay for something I can provide for free? (though there is the cost of keeping me supplied with chocolate...boob fuel of course...) So I know I need to stop those little niggly thoughts when they emerge and continue to cherish our breastfeeding journey whilst we have it. And keep ticking off that list...

*I guess it's similar to my challenge to see how many different pubs our baby can experience. See other blog.

Motherhood and Boredom

I read an article in Grazia last week from a woman who spoke of motherhood being boring. It seems a statement like this can create quite a stir when said out loud as the general consensus is that no mother should ever claim to be bored by motherhood. But why? Would the same feelings be generated had a father expressed such thoughts? It seems that by virtue of being a woman alone, motherhood should be something we find automatically fulfilling and gain a great deal of pleasure from. But I can sympathise with this woman's sentiments to an extent. We spent a year and a half trying for a child, and I really wanted to be a mum. And I love our daughter to the moon and back. However, there can be a degree of boredom to doing the same things day in, day out. Plus being at home looking after our daughter now means I feel it should be my responsibility to also do more around the house (read: housework rather than DIY). And I have never found domestic tasks enjoyable. Being inside the same four walls each day doing a repeat rendition of sleep, eat, play can at times get boring. Like with anything else that you do on repeat. It's that routine which can get boring, not the child themselves. So I can sympathise with this woman and I support her in voicing these thoughts. Perhaps there are more mothers thinking exactly the same but are just worried about being judged for speaking out.

Motherhood

So on the 10th May at 11:26AM we welcomed into the world Islay Rosa and here we are just over eight weeks later. It's been a bit of a blur with sleep deprivation, lots of learning curves and plenty of emotions going on. For the first few weeks I carried on tutoring and did some exam marking...PhD completely on hold. One of my supervisors when I said I could catch up on PhD work whilst on mat leave warned me that my brain would turn to mush and I didn't believe her at the time but I really get that now. Even typing this is a struggle but this is what I need to start doing, writing again. So for the meantime this blog can help me in doing so.

And here they are then, some initial thoughts on motherhood (and yet another angle for this blog to incorporate...)

Suffering from the Gender Blues (or Pinks)
Before Islay was born I was adamant that as far as possible we'd avoid overly stereotypical gendering with things like clothing and toys. This was helped by the fact we did not find out her sex whilst I was pregnant, meaning people were limited in terms of buying things to stuff that was neutral. And then wham! Islay was born, the pink clothing gifts streamed in and I was almost getting used to dressing her along these lines. But now she's getting bigger and I'm actually getting the time to buy/chose some of her clothing myself we're trying to get away from the pinks and 'girly girly' clothing. But then today, Islay was mistaken for a boy TWICE and I got kind of upset. Why would this upset me so much? In some twisted way do I associate girls with being 'pretty' and I was upset that my baby was seen as boyish, read: cute but not 'pretty' cute? Even saying it like that sounds kind of silly! But reality is, people look for cues when it comes to babies when determining if they're a girl or a boy and the biggest cue is clothing (especially since babies lack hair!) Typical I would get upset over people not immediately knowing Islay was a girl based on her clothing when in a weird way that was the very thing I was probably trying to achieve.

Identity Issues
The most difficult thing for me so far (aside from the lack of sleep) has definitely been regarding my identity. I've found it really difficult because in a way I've become 'Islay's mum' and lost other aspects of myself. I struggled with this loads but I'm starting to come to terms with the fact that these other aspects are not lost, just having to take a backseat for a while. And I'm trying to get little bits back here and there. I think it's been particularly hard as I've always been that person who took too much on and enjoyed being under pressure. It's a completely different change of pace which I've found really hard. But I'm starting to relax into this new life and keep reminding myself that I am 'doing' plenty even though it might not feel that way at the end of each day. Plus, whilst I don't want it to be my only identification, being 'Islay's mum' is by far the best one and my love for motherhood (and her) grows by the day. So here's to plenty more motherhood (+feminist +academic) blogging in the future! <3

Up, Up, Up and Away....

There's a few reasons why I look at The Daily Mail web-site from time to time. It is kind of a guilty pleasure and provides some easy reading whilst eating lunch at work. It also provides me with plenty of fuel for the fire. I like something I can moan about. That's just part of who I am (apologies to friends and family but then, in all honesty, remember...you're meant to love me for who I am). So today's edition of the online Mail featured the following headline which caught my eye...

The way the headline is expressed is asking for more criticism of the mother involved. Regardless of what happened before, if a woman wants to lift weights and train post-giving birth why is it the public's business? Clicking on the link, the article itself is actually not that negative - so why insist on presenting it as such in the headline and caption? A number of readers will pick up on that rather than reading the whole, more balanced, piece. Another example of media sensationalising. The media is forever condemning mothers for one thing or another and often it's for things that really are of little significance; whether this is done overtly or more subtly through presentation and style. But then what did I expect?

After my initial rage however, I stumbled across the following piece also linked from the Mail's online front page. Good to see they're not forgetting the important stuff after all.

Feminism in London 09

Saturday 10th October saw Feminism in London 2009 take place at Conway Hall. Though I cannot speak for the range of panels and workshops on the day, I just wanted to discuss my own experience of the day and welcome discussion/further insights.

Opening speakers this year were Beatrice Campbell and Susie Orbach ('Fat is a Feminist Issue'). This was my first encounter of Beatrice Campbell but I thought she was absolutely marvelous. A real character and what she spoke about really hit home with me. Beatrice spoke of 'neo-patriarchy' and the suggestion that whilst in society we now have knowledge (even acknowledgement) of gender issues, we have seen no change (for instance the gender pay gap still exists though we have increased awareness of this issue). Another example was of the working mother; the fact we can now be included in full-time employment but this is coupled with childcare. Beatrice spoke of the narrative of the 'work-life balance' in society which assigns this problem to us rather than tackling the problem. Beatrice talked also about the link between masculinity and violence which is never tackled as society masks the link under the disguise of youth violence and so forth. I found her talk really interesting and refreshing. It was intriguing that on my way out after, however, I overheard two women commenting that they disliked its complexity and academic nature so it didn't appear to be to everyone's taste.

When Susie Orbach spoke I really felt wanting more. It was a shame that it seemed time ran out, it would have been good to have heard more from her. But again, the issue of violence emerged and she linked the interalisation of women's oppression though body insecurities. I definitly want to read her latest book now to find out more.

During the day I went to a slide show/talk, a workshop and one panel. The slide-show was on anti-porn and namely the pornification of culture and the 'grooming' of young children by such culture. A lot of concepts were covered like the idea of the pseudo-child in pornography, the sexualisation of father-daughter incest, the model of normalization, sexualisation of disney and compliant victimization. It pretty much confirmed feelings I had already regarding the sexualisation of culture and how it targets children but I think it really made clear my thoughts on pornography as a whole. The workshop I attended after followed a similar theme "Raising Children in the Age of Porn". I hoped to come away from this with an idea of maybe strategies for dealing with such an issue but I don't think I got as much from it that I would have liked. One idea positioned by a fellow attendee did really get me thinking though and that was the stress now, it seems, in society on childrens' physical safety (worrying about kidnapping, pregnancy, perhaps even obesity) whilst other areas they aren't as protected (exposure to tv, internet and such).

The panel was 'Motherhood and Poverty' which was good and covered quite a bit of ground. After this was the closing speakers: Mawete vo Teka Sala, Hannana Siddiqui and Finn Mackay. I must admit that by this time my eyes were getting quite droppy (I had had to get up at 4am that morning for my train to London afterall!) so though I enjoyed the first two speakers I did not make any notes nor do I have any further comements. Finn Mackay's closing speech truly perked me back up again with the sheer emotion and enthuasiasm involved, it was such a shame it had to be cut short. But it was an excellent note to close on, especially the comments on the recession and women's part in this state in response to which I ranted to my friend later that evening - "No, we didn't make the decisions that got us where we are! But look at what cost we're paying for someone else's choices!" Food for thought indeed.

you've got to love it when parents protest

Breastfeeding mothers stage protest over ban at McDonald's

Britney (Breakdown) Bashing

Subject title says it all really. Now I don't like Britney Spears as a (ahem) musician and I was not particularly keen on the messages she was sending out to young fans BUT can't everyone take a step back from the Britney bashing? Please find below my points of reference which has resulted in a rather fed-up moi.

1. Britney has been bashed for certain lifestyle practices which have strayed from the perfect princess of pop picture (think smoking, partying, pictures of Brit with a burger and chips...) yet we're completely forgetting that she's a young woman in her early twenties who is not only capable of making her own choices, but is free to let her hair down. The minute a young starlet (Lohan I'm looking at you here too) is seen clubbing or hitting the town BAM! the media's all over it like a fucking rash - double standards somewhat? I'm sure there's not this much commotion with male stars.

2. Britney was slammed in the press for being a "bad" mother, mainly due to driving with one son on her lap and the infamous (near) baby dropping incident. I just saw a You've Been Framed this evening in which a bride dropped her baby down some stairs. Did the YBF screen the video and think 'Jesus Christ we have a bad mother on our hands...', course not! We merely got a joke about mistaking your baby for the bouquet.

3. In the same breath in which we comment on Amy Wino's skeletal drug-induced frame, put Nicole Ritchie on magazine front covers with headlines like "TOO SKINNY!" and applaud Beth Ditto for breaking the mould, we leap on Britney's comeback performance and her (apparent) tummy. Whilst the stomach may not have resembled the toned (result of workout after workout) tummy of Hit Me Baby Spears, it was your average, healthy looking belly (and using the word belly even seems wrong). So let's call it fat shall we? Really scrapping the barrel here for justified bitching people...

4. Lastly (and probably the most serious) Britney obviously has some issues (post-natal depression perhaps) which no-one seems that bothered to deal with as they're too happy reeling in the soap drama which her life has become. I might not be too proud of the fact I'm discussing Ms.Spears on my feminism blog* but I'm happy in the knowledge I'm voicing what I feel is the unjust treatment of a woman.

* also slightly perturbed by the amount of 'starlets' I've referenced

Tory Tax Breaks

In the Daily Mail yesterday there was a piece on pg2 regarding David Cameron's pledge to reintroduce tax breaks for married couples and on reading through the piece there were a two things on my mind...

David Cameron last night pledged to reintroduce tax breaks for married couples as he gave his backing to mothers who choose to stay at home to look after their children.

At first I liked the sounds of a tax break but when it spoke about Cameron's backing of stay at home mums it really just sounded like a reinforcement of the male breadwinner ideology with the mother at home looking after the children and the housework and the father out earning a living.

Aides said the move, which will be examined by one of Mr Cameron's policy groups, would also apply to gay couples with young children who have entered into civil partnerships, but not to unmarried couples.

I thought it was excellent that gay couples were also being recognised by this policy but yet what actually constitutes here as 'gay'? What about those couples whose sexualitys don't fall into this neat little box? And, why the hell are unmarried couples exempt? I think it's terrible sometimes how unmarried couples are treated. Why, for example, should a cohabiting unmarried couple with two children who had been together for, say, fifteen years not be entitled to the same rights as a married couple? I myself am very wary of the institute that is marriage and deep down I don't really believe in getting married because it is predominantly a christian concept and I largely oppose christianity as a religion.